finding home in the paradox of my heart

This roll brings back a lot of emotions. Some really good ones. Mostly hard ones. It does help though that for some reason the colors and look of these photos might be my favorite scan yet. I can’t quite describe why but that’s just what i see. Isn’t it funny (but sad really) that i can have 30-some beautiful photos of a road trip to california with my roommates (and honorary roommate rusty), photos of girl biker gang rides, friends sitting on the pavement outside a coffee shop because nowadays eating inside is a no go, and so many more beautiful moments but this roll will never be able to show how i really felt amidst it all. How crazy will it be when we are all 80 years old telling our grandchildren about what these times were really like. This film shows photos of the best cinnamon roll i’ve had since my cinnabon days at the mall when i was 10. Photos of my friends when they don’t know i’m taking one, and photos of home cooked meals that were made with time and gentleness in hopes that later that evening, there will be a full table with laughs and friends. Which will one day become a memory that you are grateful to hold. It’s funny how this one roll of film can hold all of that and display such beauty yet display none of the almost panic attacks, tears cried as i paced back and forth on the phone with a loved one, the pure excitement of laura, emily, and I riding right next to the ocean on highway one as we tracked our 100th mile that week. It will never be able to show how cold we were when we slept on matt’s roof for a few nights and woke up with dew on our cheeks. It can’t show the laughs that my roommates, rusty, and I had as we were on our 15th hour of driving through the night and pulled off at an air bnb in new mexico for 3 hours just to take a nap in order to make it back to texas the next day. I truly wish though, that these photos could share all of that. That you could see the paradox of beauty and pain and life and loss behind each photo. Each instragram post. Or each story told from this trip. I wish you could’ve laughed with us as we ate enough sweet tarts to make our mouths go raw (mostly because we were bored on the 20 hour drive). That you could’ve felt how cold the ocean was on our southern skin. What I really wish though is that you could know that you’re really not alone in your panic attacks when no one sees. Or the self doubt you have even when your life seemingly looks great through a small screen. If anyone acts like this life is black and white or not filled with mess, they are sadly misrepresenting the opportunity of paradox we all can invite into our lives. I’m just recently becoming acquainted with the thought that paradox isn’t just okay but that it’s good; that it’s life. So to that, I hope you can find home in the paradox of your own heart. At least I’m trying to. Trying and failing, trying and failing, and trying and failing again. The reality of life. Talk you guys soon again with my next roll (not to be confused with a cinnamon roll of course).

one last thing: if you haven’t listened to “Hania Rani” yet, you really need to. Also, Bon Iver (our lord and savior) released yet another fire single of course. If you were only a Bon Iver stan (im trying to be hip and stick with the lingo that all everyone is saying) during his “skinny love” days… you really need to circle back. He is even more genius than before. That’s all. Scroll for some photos if you want. Enjoy your day.