santa barbara, chicago, london, norway and my heart

Today I left Santa Barbara. I took the bus from there to LAX to start the next part of my travel to Norway to see Sandra. I cried for most parts of the bus ride just thinking on the years I spent in SB. The dreams I prayed would come true there. The God I really wanted to know deeper. The people I built a friendship with, the many different houses and roommates that I had. The daily routine of surfing 5 minutes away from my house, the hope that I had to settle there, start something, step into my purpose. Yet I leave what now has become just a vacation spot that I once called home. The streets feel different, my old place of work has changed, life keeps traveling on as I settle into a new home on the other side of the states. New job, new friends, some old. New routine. No ocean. Different faces and shoulders I wrap my arms around to hug. New hopes, new dreams, different values, different me. This weekend I felt moments of deep gratitude for the blessing of even having lived there for the amount of time that I did. The blessing of waking up and smelling the ocean. The people I now call close friends. The spaces and places that I frequented. The friends couches I’ve cried on, the breweries I sang at, the churches I went to. All now are in a season that no longer is here and that is the very thing that bring tears to my eyes. The whimsy and beauty that I received and nurtured when I lived there, has been the biggest loss of my life. I know not all is dead but this whole weekend really did feel like a funeral. A closing of a time and place.*cue the tears again*. As the pain and sadness sank deep this weekend, I felt God encourage me to not move past it. That he cares more than i do about the reality of the loss I feel. I feel like he is encouraging me to stay here as long as I need. I feel like I’ll be here for a while; mourning my favorite place in the world. Mourning the dreams that never came true here. Mourning the months of isolation I experienced while I was here. And yet amidst what seems like so much wreckage, there was beauty woven throughout this whole weekend. I felt deeply loved like never before. I don’t know what it was but I truly felt so wanted by the people around me. People rallied and affirmed me and purposely went out of their way to hangout with me. I was greeted with big shocked faces and even bigger hugs from people who didnt know I was coming. Greeted with an improv song from Jonny’s friend Andrew, where he proceeded to sing a made up love song on the only 2 chords he knew on guitar. Hospitality that spoke volumes, birthday party invites, intentional questions of how I am really doing, and excited faces to see me walk into a room. I felt like amidst what I still have so many questions about, amidst the pain of having to leave this place, amidst the sadness of feeling like a visitor in what was once my home, I was gifted what is more home than Santa Barbara will ever be– which is the hearts of the friends who have chosen me. The long walk along the cliffs of IV with meredith talking about life. The friend who sees me and says I look really beautiful, the “wow I’m so glad to see you!”’s. Its the times where matt lent me his arm to hold onto as we walked. Its jonny asking me to go to coffee. It’s the crying laughing as I grab cocktails with friends. Its the walking 5 blocks being “merediths” personal heat warmer as I wrapped my arms around her. It’s the new friends and the old. The tacos we ate in matts house as we sat on the floor and talked about the depths of how we are actually doing. Its weird as shit christmas themed dance routine that randomly performed outside while we were all eating dinner. It’s waking up at 6 am to surf the morning I have to leave and catching one wave that changed the course of my day. It’s hugging my friends goodbye. And then hugging them again. It’s the tears of sadness and beauty in the tug of war loss and life. I assume this wont be the last time i feel this tension and I think thats okay. That’s what makes it worth it; this experience we all have on earth. I now am thousands of feet up in the air on another flight headed to London and then to Norway to see sandra. I am leaving CA with the permission to continue to feel it all. The beauty and the sadness, the warmth from the hugs from friends and the eye contact as they say they’ve missed me. That they’re glad I’m there. I’ll feel the loss again and again and again until I feel like I can move on and then maybe I’ll still feel it. I hold the pain and the hope. The pain of loss and the hope of restoration. That things may seem gone for now but I’m also just in the very beginning of the story. So to that I say cheers. Cheers to the moments big and small. The moments of hope and sadness and joy and fear and courage. May we feel it all. Always. May we stay soft to the mess and the beauty. Goodbye for now Santa Barbara. You gave me so much. One day again maybe you’d let me come back to do the same.