February

*Disclaimer to this post: I’m mostly writing this because in a few years I want to look back and remember what life was like, what I did, and I how I felt. Read and enjoy but my apologies if it doesn’t quite make sense to you*

February was hard. A very rainy month filled with weeks of stomach problems. I definitely battled a lot of hopelessness with so many questions that fell flat. Im convinced that the two of the most painful experiences a human can go through is unmet needs and unprocessed pain. It is devastating if there’s even a word I can use to describe what it’s like. All day long my heart dreams and my mind is like an interrogator to question everything my heart longs for. It’s an exhausting war; head vs. heart. We all live out of the experiences, traumas, and triumphs from our youth and our current stories we are walking out, which is equally beautiful and difficult. I’ve been asking myself a lot lately what the balance is between seeing healing in my heart vs. loving myself as the human I am; all the parts. Loving the messy, the broken, the fearful, the passionate, and insecure parts of me. Will healing ever come? How does it come? What’s my role in it? Does God actually come through like he promises? Can I trust my heart again? What would happen if I just take the risk and pursue my dreams? Is God disappointed in me? Will He ever show up? These are all the questions I think daily. The conclusion I am coming to is that I was put on this earth to create beautiful things filled with truth and authenticity. The world will try to stop me from fully being me but I can’t afford to not be. I need to follow my dreams, and pursue the people I love, and hope I find some answers or peace along the way. As for the photos this roll was mostly the day to day mundane which I love. I want to look back and see the quiet less extravagant parts of my life that years from now we mostly forget. This roll is everything from a surprise visit from two of my dearest friends Soph+Johny Bananas, to my roommate and our nightly routine; her sipping wine, us watching a very below average TV show (Drop Dead Diva), and me falling asleep half way in (it’s like clock work). There are some surfs with friends, the beautiful orange tree I pass every day walking to work, power lines and palm trees, and more. Lastly, the two songs I’ve been listening to non-stop this month: “Miracle Love” by Matt Corby and “When the party’s over” by Billie Eilish. Feel free to listen to while you read and scroll. Oh! and I leave for New Zealand in few days. Cannot believe it’s finally here. I have 0 expectations but so much anticipation of beauty that will come. I bought 6 rolls of film so lets just say there will be a very long “March” entry.